There and back again

 

I am back in the place that changed my life. 

A wonderful place.

More than once I had asked myself if it was the weather, the trees, the tranquility of the place that was somehow dynamic and vibrant, or was it just the people?

Yet the answer matters not, for one way or another, it doesn't change the fact that I really love this place and all that it entails.

It is now getting warm here, and soon my fieldwork will bring subject me to conditions drier and hotter than those in Malaysia. Others might complain, but not me. There is much to be enjoyed in this place, and the searing heat of a wide-open cotton field in summer is itself a valid entry on the list.

I am very glad to have made it in time to attend my friends' commencement. I skipped mine, giving little appreciation to the hardwork invested in my undergraduate education. Back then, I'd rather return to Malaysia earlier with my mom. I was happy for my friends though. They certainly tossed their hats into the air with much more enthusiasm than I did during my Ph.D. graduation! Congratz to them. Now please contribute to better our country!

A friend who did her Ph.D. commencement told me before the event that she felt normal. She was worried because she wasn't excited. I told her that I was like that too--too many affairs to deal with leading up to the commencement that one really had no time to be excited--but during the commencement, she would pick up the emotions. And she did. Sitting in the hall among a couple hundreds of graduating graduate students, many of whom invested much more time and energy than us did, it's difficult not to be moved by their tears and disbelief painted across their faces. I remember that a woman who sat two rows in front of me broke down and cried, needing her professor who was sitting beside her to calm her down. More powerful than Oprah, I guess, as I haven't watched Oprah before.

My first few days back here were surreal. Walking on the same streets that I thought I wouldn't see again for some time, eating at the same restaurants where I had several of my 'last' conversations with dear friends, and being back in the same lab that I left hurriedly just half a year ago. That moment standing at the junction of Sycamore Lane and Russell Blvd, waiting for that familiar traffic light to turn into the much-missed green bicycle, that moment was utterly unreal. I felt as if I shouldn't have been there, but I was there.

Within a few days of my unexpected return, and particularly after I ran my fingers along the shelves of the university library and walked across town alone at night, I seriously asked myself why I left in the first place. This place is undeniably more comfortable than back home (but not home itself of course), and professionally speaking, this place is Mecca for my field/industry. 

Rationally, my decision to leave was a foolish one, especially since I had a job offer for two more years here. Personally, I knew that that it couldn't have been otherwise. If I had not left, if I had stayed on for two more years, I doubt that I would still have the will to leave. McGill University was an excellent school too, and Montreal was beautiful--crude and elegant, just the way I like it--but I left because I didn't want to risk my roots growing so deep that it hurts to unroot them. My family, and all my very beloved friends back home, they played a huge role in luring me back. To jest and curse in a slang known only to my highschool friends is definitely every bit as priceless as the independence and freedom I can find here. However, there is something more, something bigger, something more ambitious, something that I must do.

The thing is, UC Davis wasn't always as great as it is now. It took many people and at least two-three generations to build UCD and Davis to be what they are today. Heck, UCD is even older than my country. If every Davisian had left Davis to carve a niche in Oxford or Harvard, we wouldn't have the UCD which we are all so proud of today.

Thus, the least I can do is to try. To try to pave the road to a future UCD in my country, to build an institution better than UCD in my country. I cannot just give up the idea without trying, can I? Well of course I can, but that wouldn't be me. 

I am very happy to be back here.

I am also very glad that I left here.

On May 21, 2011, my friend Sinclair tied the knot with his wife, Fui Fen.

[Well actually they registered a few days a earlier but held the dinner and the Chinese wedding ceremony on May 21.]

Since I was the most handsome one among his friends who can talk on stage (even this is debatable), he invited me to be his Master of Ceremony (m.c., or emcee) of his wedding dinner. A month before the wedding dinner, over a yumcha session with Sinclair and FuiFen, they also asked me to be his band of 'brothers'. I eagerly agreed because it's always very fun to be a 'brother' hahaha. I asked, and FuiFen confirmed that many of her 'sisters' were still single and available. I sure on la then.


Time flew by and only in the afternoon of May 21 did Sinclair and his sister-in-law, Mei who was the event manager, had the time to give me their feedback on my script. Thankfully they were graceful enough with my self-claimed "very funny" script and only made several recommendations. I adopted all their suggestions...kan bukan my marriage, but Sinclair's?

But back to the morning of May 21, the process went like this. First the bridegroom (Sinclair) and his band of brothers departed from his house to the hotel where FuiFen and her relatives and 'sisters' were waiting. The idea is for Sinclair to win over his bride at HER place. Winning typically means that the bridegroom has to complete a barrage of tasks set about by the bride's 'sisters'...and typically the bridegroom does little, leaving his 'brothers' to bear the brunt of the women wrath. Fortunately, the bridegroom is the one responsible for giving angpow (money) to the 'sisters' and then later get to kiss the bride while his jealous brothers look on. After that, they have a tea ceremony there where the newly weds pay respect and gratitude to FuiFen's relatives/elders. Then the whole procession heads back to Sinclair's house where a similar tea ceremony is held but for Sinclair's side of the family. Then in the evening, a wedding banquet is held where relatives, friends etc. were invited. I was the emcee for that banquet.

It was a very fun morning that day, mainly because the challenges that the 'sisters' set out were very fun and appropriate. Chinese like to play with words that sound nice and give blessings to the newly weds, and the games incorporated those. We the 'brothers' had to imitate doll-like poses that were very intimate, drink from a cup with a 2m long straw (that failed) etc. We also had to pick up the key to the bride's room from inside a bowl, using only straws (that also failed and post-game discussion and attempts suggested that it wasn't possible, at least not within the time allocated). It was very hilarious because the 'sisters' did a great job organizing it and we brothers really played along.

Throughout the morning, FuiFen would ask me loudly and publicly "Eh, which of my jee-mui you like? Which one caught your eye?" .........and when I spoke to any of her 'sisters', FuiFen would saunter over in her gown and asked LOUDLY "So, you like her?".........................

>.<
In the end I told FuiFen "you like this keeping on 'stabbing' (插住晒), I very hard to cari makan."
And to my horror, apparently most, if not all, of the sisters knew of my background and my single and available status....one could only imagine what else did FuiFen tell them....

I arrive about 1.5 hour before the wedding banquet started. I had only put on a tie once and that was ~4 years ago for my sister's wedding. Dad and mom both forgot how to do it, so I had to ask Mei, Sinclair's sister-in-law to do it for me LOL. Embarrassing. I checked out the stage, the mic, the lighting,,,everything looked good. I tested the sound projection, and realised that I can't swing my head when I talk into the mic because I must talk INTO the mic otherwise my sound fades off. Darn, I am an animated speaker, it would be hard to control.

About 30 minutes after the scheduled time, the guests have all arrived. 30 minutes late is considered good in Malaysian Chinese banquets...shame on us. I got on stage and began my show.

My script was all English but I realised that most of the guests were actually aunties and uncles gossiping in Mandarin, Hakka and Cantonese...darn. Anyway, I tried my best to liven up the atmosphere but after the first half, I knew that the energy from the audience was quite low! I quickly asked around for advice. My new friends, the 'sisters' (which also included two guys actually) gave me a few tips and some good support. Mei said I was doing great, but if I really want to energize the crowd, I had to engage them via games or stupid questions like "How's the food? Good?"  [Later at another unrelated performance, the emcee also said that for Malaysian stage, it's typical to ask the crowd "sudah makan? lauk sedap?" LOL].


Need to ask them the food good or not ar? Somemore got to ask "If good, then clap hands lah"...haha... BUT Mei gave an even better suggestion...to which we played out to its full effect.

Right before Sinclair popped the champagne, I suddenly asked him to STOP! Then taking the mic out of the stand and into my hand, switching over to Mandarin, I asked Sinclair to prove that he loves FuiFen. I engaged the crowd, getting them to give suggestions on how we could test Sinclair. You could literally see their eyes opened wide with energy at the mention of 'game we can use to play with the bridegroom" ! An uncle suggested that Sinclair do push-up...well, in the end I settled for singing a song on one knee. Ah Seng, the A/V guy suggested we do "Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin", that ageless song that everyone knows. Sinclair asked me to remind him of the lyrics, but in my excitement (read: nervous) I myself forgot the lyrics hahaha. As I was pondering, suddenly Sinclair started singing, looking into FuiFen's eyes with passion.

OMG!! He really did it!

The crowd roared, applause went crazy, and yes, the crowd was energized.

All in all, I was very happy with how things went that day. I mean, it was a very merry occasion and everything went smoothly. I myself was very honoured to have been part of my friends' celebration, and on the side, I made like 20 new friends that day (I went into the whole event not knowing anybody other than Sinclair and FuiFen).

But if you ask me (that is if you are my future wife), I would rather not do my wedding like this. I usually don't enjoy Chinese wedding banquets because most of them don't really focus on the newly-weds and don't make it an emotional enough celebration. Somemore I don't want large banquets where everyone becomes less significant...yet if I do hold a banquet, my students alone take one/two table, my primary school friends one/two table, highschool friends X tables, colleagues ...I think don't count relatives pun I can fill 10 tables, that is if they can all make it lah hahaha. Scary leh.

long piece! reflection of a class

[Warning: this is a long piece so you should either be very patient when reading it, or read it in pieces. The very proud author thinks that it will be worth the readers’ efforts.]

I teach for a living. That means teaching gives me life. I would like to think all my lessons are meaningful and helpful to the students. Sometimes though, I forget to live by the very lessons which I teach so earnestly.

The following transcript is an excerpt from a 80-minute class I taught to a group of 30+ teenagers. My topic was “Lessons I Learned from Nature”.

…

…

[I give each student a coin, and ask them to flip it to get either heads or tails consecutively for 10 times.]

Is it possible to flip a coin 10 tens, and get ‘heads’ 10 times in a row?

What about 100 times in a row? 300 times in a row?

Highly unlikely, isn’t it? Most of you said it’s impossible.

Do you know of every 1000 babies born in Malaysia last year, how many survived their first year? –994 out of 1000. That’s a 1-year old survival rate of 0.994.

What’s the age of the oldest human fossil found? –4.4 million years old*.

So, starting from at least 4.4 million years ago, your great-great-great….grandmother was born, and she gave birth to your great-great-great…grandmother, each surviving at least beyond their first year, until your grandma, your mom and now you. Taking the survival rate of 2010, do you know what’s the chance of you being here today?

The equivalent of getting ‘heads’ >600 times in a row!**

Is that even possible? No? But we are all here right now, aren’t we?

I see an insect mother lays hundreds of eggs, of which only a handful survive to adulthood. I see trees bear hundreds of flowers releasing thousands of seeds, of which only a handful of seeds sprout.

To survive is itself a miracle. You are a winner, if only because you are alive. Next time you feel bad about yourself and life, take a coin, and try to get 10 ‘heads’ in a row.

…

…

[For your sake, I will skip the Nature part for the following session]

What are you good at? Write down the one thing you think you do best, or like to do best.

Okay, now in groups of eight, I would like you to build a treehouse [but apparently city kids nowadays have no idea what a treehouse is, I should have used a ‘dog kennel’ instead]. Make sure everyone contributes with that one ability he/she is best at.

[They discussed and tried to fit into the project. Many had issues because they wrote down abilities like ‘swimming’, ‘eating’, ‘talking’, ‘sleeping’, playing computer games’…things that seemed very non-constructive and irrelevant to the project]

Ok, some of you think that you can’t contribute, that what you do best is quite useless. Really? Let’s see how we can make you useful. 

Swimming and eating, well you guys can go for competition or raise funds right? Eat 10 hotdogs in a minute.

Talking? Well, you can also raise funds with your persuasion, be our spokesperson, keep us entertained.

[In the end, everyone found at least one way in which they can contribute.]

Yes, everyone’s good at something, and you can be helpful to others in at least one way. You need to find that, and work on it.

…

…

[I will skip the Nature part for the following session]

I will read out a list of roles, if you belong to one of these roles, draw a line, and we shall count how many lines you have in the end.

Student, teacher, son, daughter, boyfriend, girlfriend, owner of a pet, friend, customer, grandchild, brother, sister, a buddy, a role model,…etc.

How many had 1 role? 2 ? 3?..5…12….18…21…? Wow, the least is 7 roles, and the most is 21 roles.

What does this tell us? Have you ever thought that you are at least 7 roles in one?

Can we be perfect in each and every role at the same time?

More importantly, if I am a lousy son, does it mean that I am also a lousy student? If I fail as a student, does it make me a bad brother? If I am an excellent girlfriend, will that also make me a nice daughter?

We have many many roles to play, we are many different persons to different people. Being a less than satisfactory ‘A’ DOESN’T MAKE you a less than satisfactory ‘B’. So if your teacher stamps you as ‘the worst student I have ever seen’, please don’t think that it also makes you the worst of every role you can play.

End of class.

After I got home, I thought about what I said in class that morning. The third session struck me the most because that was the point that I have somehow neglected for a while.

I have so many roles to play, I am a different role to almost every person I come in contact with. I would like to think that I play those roles well; at least I am happy in those roles. In other words, I think I am actually a good friend to many, a good son, a good brother, a good teacher, a good student etc. But there was one role that I thoroughly failed, and it has haunted me for years.

I was never a good boyfriend. I have never been a good lover.

Why do I say that? Because I was told that I was not there when I was needed, and I was there when I wasn’t needed. The tragedy that followed was more than enough to hammer the nail into the wall and pin down without doubt a sign that reads ‘Failed Lover’.

Usually I let stumbles go very easily and move on to the next challenge (or stumble haha), but I had the utmost difficulty letting this go. For you see, there was no other role that meant more to me than that of a lover.

After leaving Davis, my social circle took on a good change. I made many new friends in India and through my friends’ weddings, got back in touch with my students in Malaysia, and distanced myself (physically) from my friends in California. I started writing letters and cards again, such a wonderful habit! I also spent much more time communicating with my family now, though one can never make up for lost time. Through these all, and after my class that morning, it dawned on me that I have finally let it go. I still think that I performed terribly as a lover (no chance to improve until I get another lover, no?!), but I am very proud of all the other roles I play.

A few days ago I met up with my students for dinner. A few days later we went for badminton. Mingling with them was very therapeutic. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was about the interaction that made me feel good—I just did. I taught them when they were 9, 10 years old, and now they are 18. They have grown so much, and of course we interact differently than we did 10 years ago. Still, I love them as much as I did before and it’s very flattering to know that they are still eager to chat with me. To have been their teacher, and then a teacher-friend, is a wonderful transformation. Their respect and recognition of me have only grown. It also goes to show that students will ALWAYS appreciate a sincere and responsible teacher, albeit it may take time for them to realise it. That is already much more than I can say about what one can expect from your lover.

I have a friend whom I only met for a few days but we remained friends since. We communicated in the most romantic of ways—letters and cards. She and I are very different people, but I can safely say that we have truly helped each other in times of need of emotional support. Whenever I think of her, and of my other snail-mail friends, I understand that I mean a lot more to some people than I care to admit. Likewise, they make me proud of myself.

 

*http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/10/091001-oldest-human-skeleton-ardi-missing-link-chimps-ardipithecus-ramidus.html

**Highly conservative calculation. The actual probability could be many many times lower.

Flowers are pretty

flowers are sweet

nectar offerings

bees busy slurping

still,

if you listen carefully

in their hives you will hear

the bees whisper

not every flower is a honey pot

but each is worth a shot

and,

if you listen carefully

in the breeze you will hear

the flowers humming

not a fruit every flower becomes

but a beauty they each once was.

Timak -solo

timak and bowie (2)

 

 Timak is slowly gaining the upper hand in their jovial jousting. When she first arrived, Timak was still small and had to be submissive most of the time. Even then Timak loved to cari gaduh with Bowie who's like at least 11 years her senior. Nowadays I see Timak climbing on top of Bowie often haha. I think Bowie also malas nak layan Timak but Timak's playful nature is very persistent.

 Snapshots can be misleading! In this picture one would have bet that Timak is a done deal.

 Then sometimes they become nice pals again and start licking each other. I have seen Bowie helped Timak groomed her fur with his teeth before (that's what dogs do, though I can't describe it properly), but never seen Timak do it for Bowie. Perhaps Timak is too young to know the trick yet? Hmmm....

I was surprised that Timak didn't pounce on my camera right after this picture.

But she ran over to the palm branch and began to fight it. What a worthy challenge!

we be our own judges

when you are wrongly accused, 

when you feel unjustly judged,

don't lash back 

not immediately

stop, think, cool down

then act.

I assure you that you won't regret that moment of calm.

when your good will is ruined

when your gifts are mocked

when your tears flow in vain

don't blame

don't be ashamed

for everywhere there needs more people like us

give, and give, and give

and then

we give again.

we be our own judges

the hammer's held in our hands only

if slacking is what you wish today

then don't work

if breaking your back without pay is your desire

then don't stop

At the end of it all

nobody else goes into your mind

and tells you what you were
but your voice alone

as you heave 

your last breath.

Boom boom~

Thirteen minutes left in my lunch break, wonder if I can write a blog post before it ends?

A few days of last week were freakish. In terms of weather.
First it was super hot before 3pm. Well, about 33-35 Celsius la. The glare of the sun was so relentless that just standing out there gave me a headache in 5 minutes. Of course I needed to protect what's left of my little hair so I only challenged the sun with my scalp once.

Then after 3pm, you could see the dark clouds gathering in the sky and then...you see no more. The whole sky became just a piece of blurry, dimensionless dark gray. You knew then the storm would be one of a kind (at least to us in Malaysia anyway,,,,takkan nak compare to those hurricanes and cyclones meh?).

Still, when the first crack came, it was startling.
Lightning flashed across the sky in symphony, east, west, north south, a lightning in every direction you cast your eyes to. Thunder, loud booming thunder shook from above and if I didn't know better, I would have believed that the thunder took physical form and was cracking the clouds from the top. Before one roll of thunder ended, another lightning lit up the sky, heralding the coming of another thunder.

I was reading at first, then realised that the incessant sounds and flashes were quite abnormal. I ran to the balcony and stayed there longer than I expected. Raindrops wet my face and head, washing away the heat of the hours before. It was a sensory feast!

Tropical thunderstorm. Yeah baby!

the end is funny!

My best friend has left my side, but I am sure her phone calls will still plague me for a very long time.

Before she left, we had a ~2.5 hour chat over dim sum. Apparently she loves dim sum though I found that specific place just 'meh'.

We were both single (and still single haha), so naturally in between talking about ambitions/dreams (it was her birthday after all) we touched on our prospects of eventually ending our singlehood.

It was something we both hope for, yet also something we both don't dare to hope for.

This Saturday I will be part of my friend's wedding ceremony from start to end. I will be part of his Brothers Group (we will just get played a fool by the Bride's she-guards) in the morning and come evening I will be the emcee of his wedding dinner. I hope that the AWESOME positive energy of his wedding will blow away the dark clouds and perhaps...at the end of the ceremony, someone will tell me, not in a shy way,
"Eh, you quite good la. Still single? Me too. "
"Yeah still single ar. Interested in me ar? "
"Not interested la...just want to know you."
"Can, good good. Let me grab my angpow then we can go get a durian."


Wrote this post after I needed a break from correcting undergraduate's English for their FY project....

It's Alive~!

In how many days of the past month did you feel alive?

Beneath my often rational reasoning, there runs a river of emotions.

I may be happy, I may be angry, I may be worried. I may be all of these at the same time.


Yet to feel alive, that's uncommon.

Thus when Life kicks in, I take in every single sensation it can give.

When I like someone, I feel alive.
I never felt the same when someone likes me. Only when I like someone, I feel alive.

When my actions helped to grow the confidence of others, I feel alive.
One of the strongest emotions I felt in my life was the pride that swelled in me when one of my students, she who was timid, shy and awfully indifferent to everything, raised her hand to ask a question in class. If my life ended there and then, I would have died a very content person.

When I develop a vision, I feel alive.
This was how I felt today. As I enjoyed dinner alone [my dad's herbal chicken was unbelievably delicious] tonight, my mind drifted to thoughts of my future. I remembered that I had wanted to start a business a short while ago. I told myself that I love to teach. Last week it occurred to me that I should help out at orphanage(s). One thought latched on to another, accelerating as they danced into a swirl in my mind even as I continued to eat. Before I finished the drumstick, the swirling stopped, and I had a vision. It was a philosophy- and passion-driven goal, equipped with a (general) practical plan and a healthy dose of romanticism. That's what I call a vision. For the second time in my life, I stamped an 'to do by X age' mark on something*. This time, X = 40.


What makes you feel alive?
Yes, you can reply "Reading your words make my cells dance!'.
I know it's true.


*1st time was 'to get my Ph.D. before 28'. I got mine at 27.

 

Volunteering for a positive purpose is a rewarding way to put life into your life.