I am leaving Davis very soon.
And I am looking forward to it.
There are things that I really want to just close the cover on, call it "The End", and never have to pick it back up again.
I am returning to Malaysia very soon, and most likely for good.
And I am looking forward to it.
There are things that I have really wanted to do for some time, some people whom I wish to hang out with for such a long time now that it's almost unbelievable that the time is near.
Yet I know that leaving Davis will make me very sad.
I am not looking forward to it.
The same things that I wish to be rid of have also defined me over the past years.
Like an ugly backpack that I have been using for years
--how do I let drop such a backpack, though it be ugly and hurts my back?
Returning to Malaysia will also make me very uncomfortable.
I am not looking forward to the helplessness I will certainly experience.
Things will be so different, my life style will be so different,
the air I breathe will be different.
I know myself very well.
The only way that I can avoid missing what I have here now and learn to re-love what is waiting for me in Malaysia is to be swept off my feet by passion.
Passion, that may come in the form of
- teaching students
- a romance
Of these two, I hope that it's the first and not the second.
Romance is real, but sadly most people treat relationship as a game of win and lose, of getting the better of the other, of always going after that which you don't have, not that which you need.
I have never doubted my love for my students, or hold back on my effort or attention for them.
And you know what, even the worst of them students appreciate and understand my effort.
Lovers?
-Just a selfish lot.
I have a picture of Boddhisatva Guan Yin in my room. Every time I wake up, I see her; before I go to bed, I see her.
I never cease to ask myself "How are you so great, and I am so little?"
"How can you love all without reserve, yet I can't even learn to love one person without expectations?"
I will be getting my Ph.D. in a couple of days,
but it means nothing.
I am still so far away from being the kind of person that I wish to be,
I can't even see the day that I would attain my goal.
I'm inspired that you can see past your Ph.D as a stepping stone in life. It shows that you did it for the passion of knowledge/research/teaching, and not just for the doctorate title.
ReplyDeleteDespite that, don't sweep past the years of academic and personal experience that you have gone through. Although it seems that you have not become the person that you want to be, you're getting closer with all this small steps. Someday, the efforts would pay and you'll reap what you've sown.
we take one step at a time, occasionally raising our heads to check that we are still going in the general direction of what we aspire for.
ReplyDeleteby the time you finish your BSc. you will realise that it's really nothing.
Same thing with the Ph.D., though I must say that I have never had any extra admiration for Ph.D. holders per se.