A new housemate

I live alone in my new apartment now. However, a couple of weeks ago, Licky moved in with me. He will be staying with me until mid-August.


A 2-year old, male boa contrictor, Licky is extremely tame and cool. Cool, in the temperature sense :). When he gets hungry, he starts moving around the cage, constantly reaching up to find a way out. One day when I returned home, I saw (to my horror) that the top of his cage was pushed open. Luckily he didn't slide into the sofa (for it would have taken ages to get him out). Instead he cooperatively went into my bathroom.

Licky clearing the landscape in my bathroom

I fed Licky last week. I had to buy him a frozen 'medium' rat which I thawed and then put beside Licky in his feeding box.

Licky, and YumYum the rat.

Zain was there with me to witness the spectacular feeding. It turned out to be less spectacular than we expected. First, Licky took >45 minutes to start swallowing YumYum; Second, Licky worked relentlessly at YumYum's neck instead of its head, which we knew was a doomed effort.

Licky contricting and trying VERY HARD to swallow YumYum from the neck

These snakes deserve their reputation of swallowing huge prey. Look at how wide his jaws opened! He still couldn't take YumYum from the neck down though :).

After 45 minutes, Zain had to leave for work and I had to cook my own dinner. So I told Zain to return later, confident that Licky would still be necking YumYum. I began my cooking, and 10 minutes later...I saw only YumYum's tail sticking out of Licky's jaws.

Licky had a mischievous and proud glint in his eyes.

What remains of YumYum. No, you can't see Licky's head here.

A day after Licky fed, he began to move about his cage again. I think he is still hungry. Another spectacular feeding will take place this week...and Zain will come 40 minutes after.

Field Experiment

One of my greatest pleasures of doing research is going into the field and toil under the sun. The feeling of sweat evaporating off my skin while I observe insects or sticking poles into the ground is plainly enjoyable to me.

Of course, many things go awry in the field. Sometimes hours or even weeks of hardwork can be undone in minutes due to unforeseen mishaps OR just stupidity on my part (hahaha). For example, this summer California experienced a cool start to the summer months, effectively delaying summer agriculture by weeks and my own field work by one whole month! This in a year when I am rushing to wrap up by the end of summer...grrr. Cool weather aside, there were a few days of strong winds. VERY STRONG. Strong enough to justify a state warning.

Then again, who gives a damn about state warnings? Look what the winds did to my cages :(

Top of cage torn open

Oh...but that wasn't the worst. Look at this! I laughed loud when I saw the four poles sticking out of the ground, looking so pathetic and naked.

Where did my cage go?! Damn wind...

So...what was the cause for this undoing of our hard work taken to install these cages into the ground? The winds? Nope. Soft ground? Nope. Our fault? Yes. You see, I designed these cages to withstand strong winds. I am convinced that it would take a hurricane to blow these cages off, if they were installed correctly. The problem we had was that we didn't seal every cage tightly. A small crack that allows wind to blow in will cause the cage to catch more wind, enlarge the crack and soon the whole cage will be catching the full force of the wind like an open sail in a storm.

Nevertheless, my frustration lasted only a couple of hours before I was laughing at the whole (acci)incident. I contacted my trusty group of farmhands and gave them another 3 days worth of pay to dig up all the cages and reinstall them five rows down (because other than the wind damage, the plants within the cages also didn't grow as intended). My farm friends were laughing at the cages too and we had another jolly few days together reinstalling the cages that we built just two weeks before.

Also, here's a picture of three of the five members in my research team this year. An interesting bunch, no? Hahahhaha.

Tierra, Michael, Lucinda

Two--all of it was just a lie

 Crystals, or just ice. Cold. Gone in moments.

To anybody coming up, either in terms of age or experience, those who had already walked far often say the following: "Don't lose sight of your target. Work for it, and in the end you will get it!" , or slightly more realistically "Work for it, and even if you don't get it in the end, you will have no regrets. It's the journey that matters most!".

I have said the same to many others, and I myself have lived by it.
Now, as that which I have worked so hard for over years taken from me so suddenly and in so cold a manner, I began to doubt the sense of it all. This deep, endless dread which I have to battle every morning, which haunts me throughout the day and pricks my mind even as I try to sleep--this heavy heavy weight I cannot throw aside, makes me doubt if the journey is really what matters most, and if I can live without regrets.

I wonder, if it's all just a big big lie.
A lie that everyone knows but acts as if it's not there.
A lie that's more obvious than an elephant in a room because it's written on everybody's face.
A lie that's been around since our first desire.

In the end, it's not the journey that matters?
It's this second, this very current moment that matters.
I am in pain, and there's nothing I have done in the past that can alleviate the hurt;
I am happy, and nothing in the future can take this joy from me now;
I am lost, and there is no light at all.

One* --the purpose of it all

Some insects live for a week, some only a day. Some, like the cicada, live for many years but spend almost all that time in partial dormancy, bursting out for only a few days or hours to experience the colors of life.

Yet for each of them, no matter the length of their lives, they have the chance to live and feel before death. A lifetime is a lifetime--seconds or years, it matters not, does it? For many parasitic wasps, they have so much to do in a day's time that before they know it, they have expended all their energy and life is ending. For the long-living turtles, they allocate their activities over years and in the end, death comes too. The wasps know not the meaning of time beyond days, and the turtles cannot understand the significance of centuries. I think that because they don't recognize the alternatives (days vs years vs centuries), they don't feel any loss or despair at not being to live longer. If they do, then they are foolish to waste their precious time away in a lamentation. Ironic that many of us yearn for more time instead of making the most of our available time.

How are we supposed to make the most of our time? By being always happy? By making others happy? By saving the lives of millions or winning their admiration? By piling up riches uncountable? The list goes on. Everyone has a different answer because everyone has a different purpose in life. The only thing in common is that anyone who recognizes his/her purpose and works toward it will have made the most of his/her time. To actually achieve the purpose is...I would say, extra icing.  

*first of a series of sentimental/emotional posts. My life has taken on a very different tempo lately due to factors that are some unforeseen and some expected. My mood...more correctly 'my moods'...are fluctuating, changing almost daily. Somehow, this has led me to develop a new sense of purpose and new perspectives. This series try to capture this change.*

fake graduation

I attended my Ph.D. commencement on June 10, 2010.
If it wasn't because my mom suggested that I do it, and that Kumitaa wanted to attend, I wouldn't have bothered with the whole affair.
Nevertheless, I must say that I enjoyed it.
Sitting through the whole event was kind of boring, but it was also quite touching to bask in the enthusiasm and gratification of the 700 graduating graduate students around me. One girl who sat two rows in front of me actually broke down and cried during the event. Her supervisor had to console. I presumed that the grad student was just overwhelmed that she was finally done. I can understand that, though my own emotions were surely much calmer.
My Ph.D. career has been a fortunate and fairly smooth-sailing one. When I began my Ph.D. 4 years ago, I had thought of writing the experience as a memoir. Good thing I was too lazy to execute the plan, for if I did, it would have been a VERY BORING piece of reading. Perhaps due to the lack of drama, I wasn't overly excited by my own graduation.
Well, I haven't graduated yet. Submitting thesis in September, exit seminar in October.
I won't be surprised if by then, I will be overwhelmed by emotions and cry too. If only because Sept will be so unbelievably hectic for me that living through it will be enough drama to compensate for the dull 4 years before.
Thanks to the Malaysians, Hanayo and Fabio who turned up to make me feel like a celebrity on my commencement. Thanks to Jay for making it in time hahaha.
Now let's hope I graduate in September :)

and to Kumitaa: your day will come soon too!

why a rose?

in your absence,

joy loses its direction.

in your presence,

anguish wins an embrace.

FRS02-11 Spring 2010

I didn't take a picture of the First-Year Seminar (a.k.a. Freshman Seminar) that I just finished teaching, so here's a illustration of a typical class day. Yes, cellphones (texting) and snoozing in class were weekly antics of my students. I didn't really stop them from doing it...poor students so tired, wanted to sleep then sleep lah. Texting..well, they texted but could still respond to me in class, what could I say to that?!

I really enjoy teaching. At first I was going to TA two introductory biology labs this quarter, but Jay advised me to organize and teach a FYS instead. His point was that I have enough experience teaching, but little experience in organizing a class from scratch. I took his challenge and voila~FRS02-11, Spring 2010 was made.

I shall spare you guys the details of my class. Suffice to say that we learned about animal behavior, its ecology and evolution, how animals cope with challenges with behavioral adaptations. I focused more on theoretical concepts than actual detailed examples. My objectives were primarily: 1. stimulate the students to think of animal behavior in an evolutionary and scientific manner, 2. stimulate interest in the students for behavioral ecology and evolution.

UC Davis offers FYS that cannot be lecture-style. No final exams. Classes need to be as interactive as possible with class discussion almost mandatory. I would like to think that I accomplished all that, and more. My personal challenge was to teach in a purely "Question-driven" manner, something similar to the Socratic method. I tried to restrict my role to just asking questions, and use those questions to guide the students to the answers without giving the answers myself. I was not 100% successful--often I had to drop obvious hints or provide the answers after several questions, in the interest of time. Never had I however, just gave the answers without making the students think and discuss first.

Those were the logistics and academic stuff. I am writing this post for the emotional stuff.

I like my students. I know each of them...somewhat personally. I know their majors, their hobbies, and the reasons they missed classes. I told them quite much about myself too, usually in the several minutes before classes started. They knew that I spend too much time on computer gaming, they knew that I frequent OldTeaHouse, they knew that I like to talk to myself (which I often do in class too 0_0). Over the course of 10 weeks (20 classes = 20 hours total), I found myself 13 new friends, each of whom I cherish very much.

At the end of our last class (2 days ago), I had in my mind a 3-4 minute speech. I wanted to thank them, to tell them what I hoped they had learned and gained, what I got from them, that I was very honoured to have them as students for my last class in UCD, and to wish them all the best. Yet, partially due to my current personal issues, I was a bit too on the edge and I knew that I ran the risk of crying if I talked for >1 minute. Thus, I just told them "Thanks a lot for joining us in this class. I think you guys should be proud to know that you were the students of my last class in UCDavis, and I am very happy to have you guys. I wish you all the best. Thanks." I didn't even look them in the eyes, instead I scanned the floor and my own laptop. Lame, I know.

After that I wrote them an email that more properly conveyed my initial message. Surprisingly, some of them responded with encouraging emails that expressed their appreciation of my effort, and that they enjoyed the class. To say that I experienced instant gratification is an understatement.

In my course of teaching and doing research, I realised that both avenues promise many rewards. However, teaching grants you both instant and long-term satisfaction, whereas research usually hides its rewards behind veils and veils. To see that sparkle in a student's eyes...is to give me satisfaction yet unmatched by any research result I have had (and I have had quite several awesome ones!). More importantly, in my class, I have the opportunity to contribute to my students' well-being right there and then. Research?---heh.

Dear friends of FRS02-11 Spring 2010, I sincerely thank you for everything you have given me. I wish you all the best, and may our paths cross many more times.

-your teacher who forced you to evaluate the probability and reasons that your lover will cheat on you.

Morbid Hope

Flies on bird carcass.

All things end.
Embrace the end, accept it, and know that from an end spring many new beginning.
Of this I truly hope.
For a phase in my life is nearing its end, and I can't wait to experience what comes after. The closer I get to the finishing line, the more unbearable the current phase becomes.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom and I at one of the glacier sites in Jasper National Park, BC, Canada. Post-BSc. Tour, May 2006.

Mom and I at Cape Breton National Park, Nova Scotia, Canada.

Two things to note from these pictures:
1. Mom was wearing so many layers of clothes hahahaha....like a dumpling ar!
2. My face was much 'meatier' four years ago. Sigh...my face now ...sigh.

National parks, and the great outdoors made up >80% of my post-BSc. tour of Canada. I was particularly fortunate that not only did my mom share my preference, she also had the physical prowess to hike those trails. So awesome!

Ooh...hahhaa...writing this bring back very very good memories of our trip. All the silly things we did.

Luckily our next post-graduate tour is coming soon~ Oct 2010. This time I will be richer so we won't have to eat microwave-oven-quick-prepared-food mom! hahaha.

Thanks for everything.

An Aphid's Worst Nightmare

Can you guess what insect this is?

It's a larva of a ladybug (ladybird/lady beetle). I think this was a Multicolored Asian Ladybug.

The first time I saw a ladybug larva, I couldn't make the connection. The adults and larvae look too different! I mean...look at some adults of the Sevenspotted Ladybug.

Ladybugs feed on many insects (those small enough to be eaten of course), but they are widely used as vicious predators of aphids, a pest of many agricultural and ornamental plants. Aphids can be really annoying, especially when they grow to high densities, make the plant all sticky and then take off and land in my eyes as I bike. Grrr...

 Nevertheless, I can't help but /cry for them aphids for having to suffer the tyranny of... what must seem to them a MONSTER/HERALD-OF-THE-WORLD'S END.

For the ladybug larvae, they feed and grow by going through multiple stages (instars). Between each instar they got to molt, and here is an exuvia of a molt.

At the final instar, the larvae turn into pupae. Two pupae of two different species are shown here in this picture.

Here is a pic of a pupa from which an adult ladybug has already emerged. Another ladybug to terrorize aphids!

*all pictures were taken in Davis, California, USA. Most were taken just outside my apartment.