I slapped myself

a friend of mine, like many other people, like to say that 'each of us deserve the best' or 'I deserve the best'. I hardly agree with that per se because I don't see the logic in it (I wrote a naggy post about it on another blog that nobody knows of) but if I be wrong and that statement is true, then I deserve the best too.

and the best I can get today is a slap to ma face. HARD.

you see, I have a serious issue with letting go of feelings. I associate intense belonging with most people/things that I have had spent some time with. It's as if once my antenna have reached out and touched you, it takes an elephant's effort to unplug the link. To avoid accumulating more than I can keep, I tend not to acquire new stuff, which also helps me save money (and that's important). With people though, my heart seems infinite and I don't like to let slip of people. I know that people come and go, but I try to stay in touch. I sincerely care, if only because we once sat across each other in a bus and we chatted for 20 minutes. Every person I have ever liked, I have kept in relatively close contact with them. We update each other and I like to know that they are doing well.

I had a very tough time, a very very tough time, a very very very tough time (get it?) saying "F- it" and forget about the whole deal.

Some of you know that I have been hanging off a cliff for quite some time, unwilling to let go and see if I can truly fly yet unwilling also to climb up and forsake the chance of trying to fly. Before that, I always knew that I could fly...well, mainly because I had a flying partner. There's no fun in flying alone, right? So I told myself that there was no harm to hang there for a while, admire the scenery to pass time until my flying mate comes back. No I wasn't JUST waiting for that fellow, I was admiring the scenery. Then off in the distance, I saw that fellow. But he wasn't coming toward me. He was going away from me. Even worse, he had a sign on his neck that said "Available--Looking for New Flying Partner".

That broke the straw of the camel's back.
Wait, no.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back.   [LOL]

I was quite upset as I drove back today. In fact, I tried a new route just because I was upset. While driving, I remembered that in the movie "The Social Network", that smart alec got the idea to integrate 'status updates' on his brainchild, Facebook. In the movie, he described the addition as 'that's what college is all about--dating, to know if the other person is available or not' (paraphrase k?).
Wow, I got upset over a college's game!  Good job dear me, having taught >500 undergrads (slight exaggeration is allowed), supervised ~20 undergrad RA, dated seven sophomores and three seniors (unbelievable exaggeration is encouraged) and I got tripped over a game motivated by college hormones?

That was my first slap of the day.
WHACK!---------------I deserved it and I welcomed it.

Obviously my dear flying partner has gone off to seek greener pastures. Good for him. I have never been anything but an admirer of him, and no matter what he's done, I sincerely wish him all the best and I bear him no hard feelings. Seeing him so happy while I sulk off the edge of a cliff was quite detrimental to my morale of course, but as I said I had a very tough time letting go of the idea and the memories and the naive dreams of a thousand possibilities all pointing to nothing but heavenly endings....

Until that first slap hit me, and the second one came screaming across so quickly I couldn't avoid it.
I had my ambitions when I left graduate school. I wrote a list of things to do, the type of person I would like to be before I left for India. While in India, inspired by my experience there, I wrote a letter to myself reminding myself not to stray from my goal of being the best educator I can be. High standards I have set for myself, high standards that require time and lots of focus. Yet for the past few days I have been nothing but distracted and wasting time checking FB and blog posts, fishing for who knows what. I remembered the kids I taught in Kanchipuram, the ones who had to be dragged from their parents in the stone quarries so that they can learn a few alphabets of their mother-tongue. Could them or their parents even afford the time to think of 'what if ...?'

Day-dreaming is a luxury I cannot afford!
Pouting over a flying partner that abandoned ship is good time wasted!
I literally sweated in the car when these thoughts swirled and thundered in my mind.
WHACK!----------the second slap came hard and fast. I deserved it and I welcomed it.

Still reeling from the shock of the two slaps, I came home to see my mom coming out to park our MyVi. The sight of my mom reminded me of Buddhism, and then and there I got my third slap.

In Buddhism, one is taught to treat everyone, everything with compassion. Be patient, be kind, be understanding. Don't ask for returns, don't yearn for more. Wasn't that how I have always wanted to be for my flying partner? Why should I change just because he's left? Did I want to fly with him  JUST because he wanted to fly with me? No. I wanted to because I wanted to. I saw the good in him, and he was totally worth every effort I have put in to get the flying course started, and it would have been worth every future effort from me if he had stayed. Now that he's gone off to seek another flying partner, that doesn't mean I should be ashamed of myself, that I should question my choice, that I should demand an apology. Of course I definitely shouldn't wish that his wings break or he goes blind mid-flight (tempting, but no).
WHACK!------------that was my third slap.

I don't know what's going on with my former flying partner...since having left me, he's never spoken a word to me. Sometimes he waved, sometimes he seemed to be smiling, but it was hard to tell against the sun. He could have been crying and I wouldn't know. In any case, I never knew for sure. Two things I was certain of. First, I would like to fly with him again...just for fun! Second, he's always been a very able person, so he will go on to be a great pilot.

Anyway, that's his life now. I have mine to be busy with.
If you are reading this my dear ex flying partner, brother, all you need to know is that I wish you all the best.