During my travels over the past two weeks, I have been listening to only one CD album and four songs.
It was FayeWong's album, and the four songs were Search's Fantasia Bulan Madu, Kris Dayanti's Menghitung Hari, Berlin's Take My Breath Away, and the Indon theme song of the movie "Ada Apa Dengan Cinta", Tentang Seseorang.
Three of the songs sing about love, deep deep love for somebody. One of them (Menghitung Hari) sings about being abandoned by a lover.
Listening to FayeWong's album again (and again), few of the songs struck me hard and brought back memories as well as new realisations. They were 爱与痛的边缘， 靜夜的單簧管， 借口，and one of my all-time favourites 执迷不悔.
All these songs reflected very well how I have felt over the past few years. From Take My Breath Away to Tentang Seseorang and Fantasia Bulan Madu, to the later months of 爱与痛的边缘 and 静夜的单簧管，to that terrible time of Menghitung Hari. Still, for the longest time, I was stuck in 执迷不悔, and I felt so strongly that I would be in that state FOR A LONG LONG TIME. I also felt that I shouldn't feel any other way, that I couldn't feel any other way. My personality is thus, you know, kind of unable to let things go when they are not as I want them to be, particularly in terms of relationships.
I have liked many different people before, and they were quite different people I must say, and for each of them I held back little of my feelings, though most of them hardly noticed my real affection because I didn't show it.
My point is, I enjoy liking people, and when I do like somebody, I like for a long time, even after all obvious signs of sad terrible endings have reared their heads and glared at me like spotlights in the dark. I have issues with letting feelings go...easily. Guess it's because I believe that any two people can be together and make it work, as long as both parties are sincere and willing to work for it. I don't want to be the party that bailed. So I often hang on and hang on...even if those people insult me in public, flirt with others, ignore me etc. I can't seem to recognize the dirty side of the coin, and if I can, I can't remember it ever existed.
Why do I do it? I don't know for sure. Before I turned 24, it was because I really really liked liking somebody. It hurt at times, but I felt really good getting one smile from that person out of a hundred ignorant passes. After I turned 24, it suddenly took on a deeper significance. Everything I did took on a meaning, it was all worth it because there would be SOMETHING to be had in the end. When that SOMETHING was lost, I refused to give up. I donned a coat of armour and kept on fighting--an armour of illusions that showed me only what I wished to see, and fought for SOMETHING that nobody wanted but me.
And I kept on telling myself that it was worth it, because I was not the type who backed away from my feelings and my belief. I convinced myself that even if it doesn't turn out the way I wished for (and it really didn't), it was worth it because I stayed true to myself.
Until now.
Until a combination of endless rounds of listening to 借口 + recent slaps to the face.
Until I realised now...that I have been finding excuses for others and for myself WAY TOO MUCH.
If the nicer apple was chosen over the normal apple, it was because the apple was nicer. No excuses. Don't say that one day the normal apple will be better.
If the bike was left behind, it was because the bike was not good anymore. No excuses. Don't expect the person to turn around and retrieve the bike.
My mom has been telling me these for a couple of years now, and so have many of my closest friends. In fact, even the one who abandoned the bike told me so. I was so too blind in my own ideals to see the blatant truth.
Fish Leong has a song 茉莉花。 The lyrics sing "You said I was good, that I was better than everyone else. You said that I was good, that you would try to find someone good for me. But if I was so good, why didn't you want me?".
I haven't listened to this song for over a year now, but the lyrics haunt me too often to admit.
I shall not let it disturb me anymore.
I am not better than anyone else. I am just me, simple me. All the praises were just white lies to make the blows softer.
I still retain my ideals and beliefs. They require more courage and determination and a deeper understanding of love and sacrifice than most people have.
Maybe I won't find someone else who shares these ideals and beliefs.
In that case, at least I have my students, and my insects.
At least they have never disappointed me.
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